In a previous article, I explored the notion that, if we want better outcomes, we need to be asking better questions. In the context of individual and couple therapy, better questions are the product of compassionate curiosity. They are the inquiries that convey “I want to know your story; to understand your life experiences.” These are queries that honor past hurts, but do not remain captive to their pain. They are the generative concerns that daringly glimpse into a hopeful future, creating space for narrative revision alongside new possibilities.

Asking the right questions offers several distinct benefits. These intentional inquiries and authentic responses:

• Illuminate underlying core issues and concerns

What are the true (perhaps unidentified or unaddressed) sources of my troubles?

• Explore the instances and purposes of resistance

What is keeping me stuck or unwilling to try something different, and what are the payoffs of my active and passive inner resistors?

• Reveal blind spots and hidden or unaccepted aspects of the self

What unsupportive patterns and ways of being are outside my conscious awareness? What parts of self do I deny and reject?

• Facilitate enhanced clarity, understanding, compassion and acceptance of self and others

How might I balance my inner voice with self-acceptance and self-compassion so that I can more authentically connect with myself and others?

• Offer encouragement and restore hope, imagination, creativity, and agency

With growing self-awareness and acceptance of my perfectly imperfect humanness, what are my hopes and dreams and gifted capacities?

• Empower new possibilities and coping skills and action plans that support the client’s identified needs and desired, values-driven goals

How will I put my beliefs, values and ideals into action to affect new behaviors and the way I show up each day?

Let’s be realistic. Suffering is inevitable. As we accept this truth, our suffering can be transformed in ways that honor this one, beautifully messy life we are given. With determination and hard work, possibilities become reality. Your unique journey holds a sacred story, one that longs to be heard, mourned, celebrated. I will be honored to walk alongside as you navigate pathways to recovery, healing, and new chapters.

In my previous corporate life, it was my job to have answers. Certainly not all the answers, but my fair share. The pipeline of ever-changing business needs required remedies, and my team was the group responsible for producing or procuring solutions. I recall one such scavenger hunt when my focus was disrupted by an online pop-up ad. Usually able to ignore such noise, the tagline from this familiar consulting firm stopped me in my tracks. It was a rather simple assertion: The better the question, the better the answer, the better the world works. Indeed. Without fail, when our response missed the mark, it was because we did not fully understand the problem.

These days, my work life is quite different. Now settled into my therapy practice, I am filled with a sense of energy and hope as I greet new and familiar clients. Contrary to my zeal, those are not the boxes commonly checked on clients’ intake forms. Their hopefulness and energy have been eroded by circumstance and consequence, misfortune and tragedy. The solutions and responses to remediate their suffering are no longer working, if they ever did. Running on empty, they move about their days in a survival trance and, at their wit’s end, they arrive at my door with a common plea: Surely there is more than this.

Sometimes our work in the therapy room calls for triage. Stop the bleeding, suture the gaping laceration. But in our well-meaning eagerness to help, it is tempting to prescribe answers, to expedite a “fix” for whatever presenting problem arises. When the therapist resists this sense of urgency, the frustrated client presses for answers or advice. If those frustrations are verbalized (which I encourage), a quick-fired “I’ll tell you what to do” is an enticing defense of my questioned capacity to help. And when the misaligned or poorly implemented advice hits the proverbial fan, the client’s distress is amplified, and distrust inevitably follows.

Effective therapy provides a safe and affirming space for individuals and couples to unpack and make sense of their stories. To wrestle with challenging circumstances and hard life experiences. To name both harm endured, and harm inflicted. To process and honor what they feel. By exploring thoughtfully formed, focused questions that promote deeper introspection and understanding of self, new insights are formed, and those empowering insights ultimately illuminate the client’s path that is uniquely, authentically theirs.

Our answers and our outcomes are most relevant when we start with the right questions. Be it in the boardroom, on the therapy couch, or otherwise. Our collective humanity compels us to explore with deep curiosity; to listen intently and form empathic understanding. As we embrace the unceasing revelation of our true, authentic selves, it is in that work that we find the answers and remedies our soul most purely desires.

It all starts with a good question at the right moment.